A Train Wreck from Here to There

String me up for a liar if bad credit home equity ever say that my faith, my optimism, my gratitude don't waver. I pray that these qualities never die, but there are certainly times when I look in the mirror and hate the image I see staring at me.

Today, I've a packed bag, a book, and a ticket that grants me passage from here to the next specialist. I'll be on AMTRAK soon, will meet my wife at the Penn Station the debark in Baltimore (Ballmer, as they pronounce it) not to see the Orioles, but to be examined at Johns-Hopkins, tomorrow.

I should feel nothing but gratitude. My love, my wife car insurance compare a doctor and that frequently gets me access to the more renowned specialists in the field of Pain Management. Who among us wouldn't kill for this gift? ...Me.

God in Heaven, forgive me not only of this sin, but the other, a fiction. My kids are Mutts among God's children. I'll tell you about them; I've got four. Their lineage is unique. From injury lawyers for you mother's side, their blood runs rich with courage and fortitude. My wife's parents, my wife's parents are European Jews who survived WWII. You know what this means; my mother in law, as a young girl survived the concentration camps. The Clozapine of her siblings and mother didn't. They were murdered.

My father in law was on a transit to the camps, but jumped with several other men, all of whom were shot except my father in law who made good his escape. He doesn't talk much about his experiences beyond that mad dash. I believe he became a partisan, but I'm not sure and I've never asked him. He was recaptured, and survived the end of the War in a work camp.

Bless me for sharing what I shouldn't, but see my kids for what they are. My kids are mortgage loans for people with bad credit Jews. Of my side see the Boston Irish and Scotts blood. I had a comic book impression of myself, that I was the last of a hard breed, the one of my siblings most like my mother and father. God, with immense gratitude I'll tell you now, that my kid's blood runs dark through their veins. They are the product of improbability.

My wife and I were not supposed to marry, but then, we are who we are and it couldn't have been any other way. My wife is the daughter of survivors, so I'm the only Irish Catholic I know who lives in a Kosher house.

In this context I endure my aches and pains. I can't be effectively treated by medical doctors because I won't admit to my pain, which is spit in a bucket compared to the pain that has already been endured around me.

As you can probably imagine, there is a lot more to this story; I haven't told you anything of my parent's trials, but trust me on this: there are 2 important Boston Celt expressions. One is, "suffer in silence", as my kids and wife do with me. Know that the suffering that occurred on my side was a lot worse than chronic back pain. No, their pain will take them to their graves, maybe beyond. Kathy today sent me a card. It says. "When I count my blessings, I count you twice." Good thought for today. I'll count my entire extended family, you, my friends who quietly read what I write, and everybody God has ever placed in my path (some of whom I must still beg forgiveness).

Too much purple glop, here. I'll end with gratitude. God bless us all, Colin

Ps. The other Boston Irish expression, "Life's hard. But it's harder when you're stupid." Get it?

I became disabled at age 46 after 2 failed spinal surgeries. I married my college sweetheart. We have four kids. I'm rebuilding my life after having been diagnosed with Arachnoiditis, an incurable, progressive syndrome causing loss of many ordinary bodily functions and characterized by grinding, incessant nerve pain, like a toothache but a lot more severe. I walk with a cane and choke down a host of pills, many of them narcotic.

I built a web-site, Chronic Pain Lifestyle that I write with 3 people who suffer the same condition. Our page is not a forum, nor is it a source of medical information. Our page is about how we're rebuiling our lives. Sometimes we're funny, other times sad. We mix nostalgia and disappointment with hope, experiences and fellowship.